How To Sing The Blues

by Lame Ugly Charlie Washington


1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman, with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUV's. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City. But not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. the bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses

11. You can't sing the blues while wearing a suit, 'less it's the only thing you own, and you slept in it last night.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. you have a retirement plan or trust fund
d. the man in Memphis lived.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water


15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.


16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling


17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Willie
b. Little Willie
c. Big Willie
d. Medium Willie
e. Leroy

18. People with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. uncomplimentary adjective (Fat, Old, Ugly, Bloated, etc.)
d. (optional) acceptable first name (Willie, Willie, Willie,
etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Fatty Joe Jefferson, or Cripple Crusty
Fillmore, etc.

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy that heathen contraption. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

And THAT'S how you sing the blues.